Oatmeal for Dinner

how do I function without them…

I’ve talked to a few folks, and something seems to be very “peanut butter/jelly” -ish, and that’s Guilt and Shame and ADHD (they seem to come with the territory). For me, it definitely did, but I had no idea (until more recently) that this could even be a thing that coexisted. I just figured I hit the dysfunctional lottery. I’ll touch on the trauma later, but for now, let’s just deal with – Guilt and Shame.

I have a lot more than just ADHD. Let me introduce you to – anxiety and depression. They all coexist and show up without invites or introductions. These jerks will have their own posts.

To make things fun, having a partner with ADHD does not = understanding. Rigidity, rigidity all around. *pours imaginary drink to rigidity*
ADHD coupling = It. IS. HARD.

Now, back to fun stuff: Guilt/Shame

I have had this angst to be liked by anyone but convinced that I’m annoying EVERYONE. I see myself on camera, in videos, what I think I’m seeing at parties – a person having (sorta) fun. But instead, I see a person who is uncomfortable in their own skin and looking around weirdly to see if anyone notices (which doesn’t make me look any more relaxed or fun, just suspicious – like I’ve done something and at any moment…they’ll be on to me).

I look stiff and weird. And to be less stiff and weird, I look MORE STIFF AND WEIRD. *Round of applause to my anxiety*

Also: How have I not been approached and asked a million questions about “why” I seem like the person in the movie trying to hide the plot.

At a recent family gathering, this stuff showed up. Being self-aware made me MORE aware of my weirdness (meaning: in the exact moment I’m being weird). So, therapy is working….I’m not less awkward; I’m just super aware of it now. *Raise another glass to self-awareness*

It’s 9 a.m., so I’m drinking water out of my water bottle that desperately needs cleaning….every drink smells great. So, I’ll wipe as much of the lip and inside with a baby wipe because obviously I have better things to do (like this blog and not studying for my exam).

My need to be liked and accepted: Fear that people who were supposed to love me don’t like me. *Insert trauma stories here*

I mean, I don’t really like me most days; they have to feel the same, right? I KNOW the first part of making things shift = liking myself. But after tripping over my suitcase for the 1,000^th time isn’t selling me to….me. It also doesn’t stop me from yelling at the suitcase for causing me to fall down and mess up my feet (which are also extremely long for my size, making this hazard much more of an issue). I also yell at my feet, the house, the size of the room, and sometimes the universe. So, displaced anger is a thing, too, I guess. *Notes this for therapy, and my comedy set*

Result: Annoyed at self/world/inanimate objects

I see confidently weird folks and think: someday.

They act okay with being themselves and don’t mind if others are bothered. ^{_{Or they are bothered but are really good at looking like IDGAF.}}

You are NOT for everyone, and everyone is NOT for YOU. Good saying, hard reality to adopt if you aren’t okay with rejection. Cue the – YOU ARE THE PRROO-Bah-LEMM ^{_{in place of the small world lyrics.}}
*Enjoy that for the rest of your day*

I’m never not annoying, but it’s exhausting to be guarded all the time and pretend you aren’t who you are. If you do it too much, you can forget yourself. So, don’t do that…

I know a few with ADHD who have told me similar stories. I think there is a link between trauma, parents, ADHD, and the dreaded guilt/shame (science, this is your cue).

I end up annoying myself, worrying if I am annoying everyone else.
*eye roll*

Caring about others or what they think isn’t bad, but wait for them to tell you about it instead of being on edge that they might not always find you “amazing.” *you cannot control others’ thoughts by getting ahead of the possible “dislike” or “challenging” opinion…unless you have mind control, and in that case, what are you even worried about…*

Therapy has helped, meditation has helped (when I remember to do it), EMDR has helped, and complaining to my coach has helped. But it does give me something to write about, so there’s that. Also, it still shows up. I didn’t realize this during situations (I was too in my head with every single mundane thought mic’d), but I do now. So that is progress.

Progress isn’t always bright and shiny; sometimes it’s, “Well, this is a new brand batch of weird…but I’m less bothered than before, so…let’s go!”

I have no solutions, only complaints and reflective moments that might help my therapist (if I remember to tell them). Hopefully, you can feel seen or moderately entertained. Have you started to realize masking? Is there a thing you do to be less guarded?