Oatmeal for Dinner

Doing all the things to feel seen…

How many of you feel like in order to feel seen or worth much need to keep accomplishing things to feel like you matter?

Just me?
Got it.

I do not know when my mindset went into this idea that I need to be making accomplishments to be worthy of spending money, making decisions for myself, and getting to have a say, making and having wants that only benefit me…

However, I know this feeling keeps showing up a LOT in my everyday life and relationship (which is another story I’m just not willing or wanting to share, but it has its own plot line). I do not remember signing up to be some martyr who has zero wants for herself, but I would LOVE to quit.

I know parenthood comes with sacrifice, but when is enough? It isn’t even about parenthood; I’ve been this way before kids. The feeling that for me to be worth being heard means I must showcase some skill, talent, and worth, so I can feel like my voice, wants, needs, and values have merit. I know this is insane because if we surround ourselves with good people who love us, we do not need to prove our worth. And this is where the problem begins.

I know that you must love yourself, and I KNOW ADHD and trauma are like PB&J. They just fit together almost too well (and I have a theory on this that I’m sure isn’t new to most in the field of psychology or brain-based challenges). *Which I will touch on later, or this will just go off the rails*

I think it’s hard to love yourself when the people around you make you feel tolerated and “too much.”

I felt this way most of my life, hiding away at family gatherings that would get too stimulating and just going off alone for a bit because I felt worn out a bit (from masking a lot of myself to avoid feeling shunned or weird), but also because I wasn’t sure I was for the people I was surrounded with – “my family.” There is so much more to this than my own ideas (and some were planted by caregivers who made sure I was privy to the fact that things were said in privacy to make me feel like these same people had issues said to me to m with me and my personality). You are correct; that is messed up, but parents make huge mistakes thinking they are helping correct an issue or annoyance they do not know how to handle. It’s also possible it speaks more about how they see themselves than me (as an adult, I can see this – but my kid self felt embarrassed and shamed).

I remember thinking this was just how I would be treated; it’s normal for people to be annoyed with you and find you irritating. Just try to keep making them like you, and it’ll be fine. Always apologize because you are too much, even for your family, and try to be more like others. I would do this, I’d fixate on my friends and see their behaviors, actions, how they would talk, tell stories, study, socialize, dress, laugh, joke, whatever, and I’d try to mimic what I could to avoid being unbearable to my friend group or myself. I hated who I was for years. I couldn’t stand my skin, voice, laugh, teeth (which is why I filed them down), hair, body, you name it, I wanted to change it. Maybe if the outside was likable enough, they could look beyond the talkative, hyper, distracted, anxious, ditsy, scatterbrained girl and just like me enough to think: at least she’s pretty, even if she won’t shut up.

My diary was full of self-improvement and self-loathing (in a weird, positive way). It was also full of tasks. Things to do, things to accomplish, failures to correct, and disappointments to overcome or deal with. I was very adept at overcoming failure. I seemed to do that almost daily. If I accomplished a task, there would be failures scattered around it, with some things getting completely missed, mismanaged, or half done.

I know from looking back and doing enough EMDR that my biggest want was to get good grades. My parents seemed to stress that all my wants, all the things I could ever dream of having, would be mine if only I made straight As. Why was this the benchmark…because my step-sister (who is not in any way genetically linked – I say this only to showcase how weird it was to assume we are precisely the same) could easily accomplish academic success (which she did many times over), then I should be able to as well.

It was also revealed to me that my grandparents (who are dead now, so there is no need to keep this locked away) thought I couldn’t accomplish more than D’s and C’s and that maybe I just wasn’t very smart. They, OF COURSE, never said this to my face (I can’t doubt they didn’t; my nana had a bite to her words at times *I’ll tell the makeup divorce story another time), but why share this with a 9-year-old? Why make them think their own family finds them simple-minded and then (in the same breath) try to make them believe others are wrong and that they can do it?

This is also why I avoided becoming a teacher forever (two reasons: it would be an easy career for me – as in, it’s not a demanding major, so why even try for anything else; and if I cannot learn, who am I to teach ANYONE?)

Besides, I wanted to do artistic endeavors. I wanted to create, act, perform, draw, paint, and everything I could bring to life, pulling it from the inside out. I hated my pain, but my pain gave me purpose. It showed me something I could bring out that would shock and heal myself and others. My work had its own element to it, and I never tried for that; I just wanted to bring out the feelings I was dealing with visually to make them seen in some way.

I feel like I lost this a bit, or maybe I didn’t need it for a while, but it’s returning. I think it’s helping me in some strange way. One, to show me that I do not need to perform to talk about my dreams (to want them, to go after them – even if they do NOT align with my degree, at least not yet, I can make them connect, I know this about myself). Second, this rawness, pain, and the things I bury in myself because I do NOT fully deal with all my feelings (because I still think I need to have them validated to have them) spawn creativity and art. I do my best work when I’m in pain (emotionally – physical pain, forget it, I’m not moving or making anything).

Through these transitions, I find myself (for a brief moment, I feel genuinely me, and people see me, and I end up growing my circle). During these times, I meet people, make lots of friends, and do lots of things. Eventually, I settle and shrink my circle (even if simply to not wear myself out, but I fall into the trap of finding those that make me feel I need to keep a performative nature to be worthy of time/connection/meaning).

THANK GOD FOR EMDR – I’m not promoting this, but it helped me a ton. I see this NOW, but I wish so badly I could travel back to my kid self and hug her, tell her to stop thinking if she does all the tasks, cleans and organizes all the rooms, stops talking/sharing/laughing that others will like her (because she NEVER asked herself if SHE LIKED THEM). I kept trying to serve people who didn’t serve me, didn’t want to see me, and were not kind to me. I kept chasing after those who seemed to want less of me or wanted me to change for years, thinking, “Yes, I know you are right because x,y,z person thinks this, too. So it must be true.” That child was casing traffic that would never slow down or pull over for her.

After years of seeing myself do this, I know I’m not for everyone, but that’s fine; I can respect others anyway. No shame, no shade. We can’t be for everyone, but we should be kind to everyone regardless. That is the goal, at least for me. I want to be kind to others but also be kind to myself. If someone (even someone close) decides to make me feel that I am not enough or that I am not worth anything, I must show my worth (over and over) like a to-do list of how I matter, what I’ve accomplished, and why I deserve my needs they are not for me. That’s not for anyone. If you must prove your worth, know you are already losing and wasting time. Anyone who cares will see it, even if you don’t (but you really should, or you’ll miss these people because you’ll think they do not know what they are talking about).

I say all this (because I’m terrible at self-editing and need a million words to get to my point) to ensure that if you are like me, performative behavior will make people see how worthy I am; then you have already lost their attention. People like this will never see you as enough. You will always be letting them down, and there will always be a task not done, said, or accomplished the way it needed to be. You don’t “earn” someone’s kindness. You can lose it, but earning it should not be like endless quests in an RPG. Task completion does not win you worth. It will only exhaust you and make you feel burnt out and overworked. And worse, if you say that you are, you’ll be compared to the tasks of the other and how they do all you do and more (yet still do not need the amount of *insert needs/wants here*) to feel valued or cared for.

Now I say “you,” but let’s be honest, I’m also talking to myself. I’ve done this for years, and I know this was normal to me. It seemed normal to have a spouse/friend/family member who saw you as less than because of what you didn’t do (or did), and you needed to prove your worth. People like this are shouting more about themselves and their own self-worth issues than anything that could ever be shared. They might also be the kind of people who cannot sit with the hurt they cause or handle your feelings (if it makes them feel any guilt or pain – especially if it was from actions/words/both they did or caused). From my experience, these people will tally faults and use them against you to make you feel just as much to blame or as bad as they are (which should NEVER be the goal of sharing feelings). Repair is to work through tough things, not meet hurt with hurt to cancel it out or make yourself feel vindicated for hurtful behaviors. Intentional or not, we are human and do not always try to cause hurt (often, it is unintentional). Still, it is worth sitting with the tough words/feelings/sharing to understand how we impact those we love and how we can learn about them to move forward with empathy.

If you encounter this, fear not. I’ve done this and had it done, and I know that brain-based challenges can make empathy hard (but it’s not impossible; you can learn how to be more empathetic and not rigid in your thinking). It takes time and lots of screw-ups, but it can happen.

But the most important point: anyone who knows your worth will NEVER make you prove it.