Oatmeal for Dinner

Most days, I feel unseen.

Unless someone needs something: a new diaper, food, answers to questions, or something similar I’m alone. I’m rarely talked to anymore, and find that I have conversations with myself most days because my toddler cannot respond back, and my husband is lost in a game on his phone or wondering from one thing to the next.

Rarely do I get, “What are you up to?” Or a, “How is your day going?”

If I’m lucky I will get a conversation, but usually about a show he just watched, or what I need from the store. There is a usual lack of interest in what I’m doing, where I’ve been, or even how I’m handling being a multi-tasking mom/student who is also volunteering at the local ballet for our daughters production and on a committee for the district to know the inner workings for the kids schools.

I often feel solo in many things, and I am just too tired to play with my children anymore.

Most days are filled with taxi’ing from one thing to the next, errands, drop-offs, more errands, and then studying. I have some time, this allows me to feed my toddler and myself (often while standing up, doing dishes, cleaning, or any task I can squeeze in). Nothing is outsourced, due to our income being very tight, and even if we could I’m met with resistance because, “We don’t NEED it.” I’m beginning to think otherwise.

I need a break, I need help, and I need some things outsourced to enjoy my kid’s childhood.

I’m missing out by being overworked, over-tasked, and outnumbered in jobs done to jobs needing done. I’m not working, yet, and I do not see how I could when so much needs done everyday, and I’m often falling behind on most things.

I cannot remember when I had a real vacation.

A vacation that didn’t involve kids, school-work, meetings while away, and going places because, “It’s what [insert person] wants.” I’m finding more and more mom’s experience this, but I wonder, “Why do we keep this up?”

When is enough, enough. When can we say, “No thanks,” to more requests for our time and energy?

I am trying to get better at saying “No” to people. It is not easy, and I am not the best at it. However, practice makes perfect, but what makes the guilt stop? When will I be okay with knowing I do not need to do it all? When will shows and movies and other moms start sharing how we hate this more than we want it, and the lack of appreciation makes wanting to keep going harder and harder.

I’m not in this for praise.

I’m also not in this for the criticism. It is not often I get noticed for what I’ve done well, right, or tried/trying to do. I’m used to critique, I went to art school, but the amount of recognition for what I’m not doing is getting overwhelming. And I am not a unicorn here, this is a norm for many mom’s. Making the wrong lunch, washing the wrong outfit, dressing “weird”, or running late will be pointed out, especially if the child is over 4. But this does not mean we do not need a hug and support now and again.

This is why I feel unseen.

I know I could be better, but I also know I do not want to be my parents, and finding a guidepost without a role-model is harder than it seems. It is like traveling without a map to a destination that is rumored to exist. It makes me wonder if this is why most mom’s feel like failures. Are we supposed to feel like we are letting others down because that’s what makes a good mom; one who keeps trying to be better. Because if this is why, that reason SUCKS.

I reject the idea that a mom who feels like a good mom is a bad one simply because they think they are good.

This is like saying a kid who thinks they are a bad kid is actually a good one. Why do we think this about moms? Because they aren’t confident? As though confidence makes someone egotistic. That’s a LEAP, and there is a lot of space between confident and hubris.

We are not good or bad because we have confidence. But we can be depressed because of a lack of it.

Feeling like a bad mom does not mean you are automatically in the Good Moms Club. It doesn’t make you reduced to a saint or SUPERMOM by doing too much and feeling like you are letting everyone down. It might mean, you are lacking validation in needs, emotions, values, or you might be overworked to the point of burnout. It could also mean you have no compass, no idea of how to parent outside of your insane family, and your in-laws insane lack of boundaries, and you are working to find a middle ground. All of these things can apply, or maybe none of them do, but it does not mean feeling bad should be a baseline for a job well done.

We can be confident, feel like we could be better, and be good parents.

What if, all these things can be true. What if we can feel bad and feel confident in our abilities. Is there a possibility parents and caregivers can believe in themselves but still try to do better? I think so, I hope so, I’m trying to be that. If all our kids see is negative self talk, what are we teaching them? I know I saw this growing up, but what do I do now that I know? Are others out there really feeling this too, or is is trendy to say your a burnt out mom for likes and content?

We need to figure out ways to support parents who are isolated and how to overcome burnout.

I’m not one to let a problem sit, but for this one I have no fast answers that will help everyone. However, maybe the answer is not what we can “add” but maybe what can we “sub-out” or “subtract?” Is it possible we need to do less, or find ways to trade things for activities that allow us to meet others and make friends, is it possible our spouse does not need to be our everything and our needs can be met with others to avoid feeling unseen? I think we need more in our culture that puts less on our romantic relationship of being our “everything” and maybe shift gears into “What are my needs and values, and where can these be met?”

Meditation/Working Out/Connection with the Spouse without kids is a big help. But what ways can we do more by doing less?

What do you think? How you battle invisibility, or are you feeling ghostly too? It’s okay to not know what to do, but sometimes knowing you are not alone is a life raft in a sea of doubt. Feel free to share your experience, and know that it is okay to share without wanting a solution.